i’m not nearly sore anymore. the incisions are still ringed with red, but are starting to dry out. the bruises are beginning to fade, even if they are still stunning arrays of color. scott suggested they could be “mood bruises”, changing color with my mood or maybe how hot or cold i am! now i grow curious about the permanency. leanne picked them both up last night and said my left breast definitely weighs less.
i took her to roxanne’s last night to thank her for all she’s done for me during this biopsy. my god, was the food delicious. clearly the most interesting, worthwhile dining experience in quite awhile. what they did with parsnips was nothing short of miraculous. and the truffle-asparagus crepe was simply astounding – and a treat to get in on the last truffles of the season. we like the attention to sustainability but get just a little confused at how labor-intensive that food must be, and then how far everything has to fly to arrive at our table. and then… our waiter was really quite tired.
also as a celebration of sorts, we’re hiking with colleen and tom today in point reyes, which i need nearly inexplicably particularly after this week. it’s not enough to heal my wounds externally and in an external environment that is currently hardly healing and often no small bit confusing, globally, locally, and personally. in my world’s microcosm, i go to work in a foreign company, in the curious position to dodge or field anti-american sentiment and then catch blame for being too sensitive and taking it too personally.
in fact, i must go to point reyes and seek solace. of course my environment is all about my insides these days. i wear the scar right out on my left breast, hardly yet totally hidden by the personal nature of its location. nothing about my inside feelings is unrelated to its outer manifestation these days, and if the outer manifestation is hardly one i like, i’ve got to take it somewhere else. the desire mounts almost so that i can’t go back to sleep like i should on my saturday morning. must get outside to heal inside. i mean, let’s be fair about it. after all, what have i been doing if not working too hard to heal the outside with my insides, in a losing battle. time to turn the table.
spike responds to my problem of being awake way too early on a saturday by puncturing my skin just at one of those veins they couldn’t find for the IV. maybe we just need more antibiotics all around.
i’m going back to bed.
heike is the sweetest. today, she sent along a bar of (dark chocolate!) toblerone, marked with both a centimeter and inch ruler! someone has been reading very very closely.
marlena wrote some sage words:
healing will go along, and now that you know you are okay
you can relax. and enjoy. and whenever a scare like this
comes up, afterwards everything seems better, more worthy
of appreciation. okay, you have a scar, and each day we live
we get another scar here and there and everywhere, but
well, i'd like to think they just add character.
or at least fade.
good things to keep in mind. perhaps these can temper my nether-feelings, that dull attentionlessness and yet beauty of healing…
geoffrey swept in and sent a wonderful note. those people up in buffalo don’t know what they’d be missing.
writing with geoffrey gave me the chance to identify this sort of odd state after the biopsy and the results. i said before that i had a sort of uneasy feeling of liking all of this surgical attention. now the attention’s gone, for all the best, benign reasons, and i’m in a sort of dull, nether state, tending to wound management and incision healing in the reality that this all was, in fact, not a party. i still would not have preferred any other way aside from the certainty of surgical biopsy, but can this be a sort of ‘buyer’s remorse’? will my left breast heal to normal, ever be the same size again, or has it permantly suffered the casualty of attention? do i care?
the steristrips came off today.
watch out, it’s in color.
today my bruises streak green down my breast. i’ve had a real heaviness under the medial incision in particular and have had more pain than yesterday, though i didn’t take any tylenol or darvocet today (yet…). we cancelled going to thorsten’s birthday party because i thought i should go home instead. was i right! halfway up my drive home on 280, i started feeling sick. once i was turning off on san jose, i was feeling pretty nauseous, which navigating dolores with its ups and downs didn’t help. but the curious thing happened — since i had to drive, i think i also managed circumnavigate getting sick. the saltwater taste in my mouth passed, and then i felt like i was going to make it home and parked and up the stairs, which i did.
so therefore … i’m on the lookout for infection. susan love says if infection occurs, it’s usually one or two weeks after the surgery. my surgery was exactly a week ago. (she also says it’s more a nuisance than anything, and just takes a little antibiotics to clear up, if it occurs). nausea is only one sign, though, and it sounds like i’d have to be red and swollen and feverish too, which i’m not.
we’ll see how i feel tomorrow. perhaps i’m feeling just tired. perhaps i’m sick because of the pain (but the pain doesn’t seem that extreme). perhaps my body is rallying to fight an infection. or maybe it was something i ate! at any rate, dr grissom gave us explicit instructions about how to reach her or her staff, 24 hours a day, so we know what to do.
metric conversions for us americans!
the medial breast mass (top right area of breast) is 4 x 3 x 1.5 cm and weighs 12.5 gm. that’s about the size of a truffle from maison du chocolat — 1.5 x 1.2 x .5 inches and weighing in at half of an ounce.
the lateral breast mass (lower left area of breast) is 7 x 5 x 2.5 cm and weighs 47.6 gm. that’s about the size of a small bar of soap from l’occitane en provence (though not as heavy) — approximately 3 x 2 x 1 inches — and weighs 0.10 pounds (or a bit less than 2 ounces).
so send soap and dark chocolate truffles to moya!