memorial for the dog by the side of the road

memorial for the dog by the side of the road

it takes me longer than normal to shake the images of animals killed on the road. yesterday, along dolores, out of the corner of my eye i saw a rock but later realized this was a dog. this was a very much alive dog walking with its person in the dolores median, but i thought it was funny how something could look like one thing, but be another.

it was later during that same commute when i passed the real trouble. sometimes, it seems like animals are just sitting resting by the side of the road, or maybe sleeping, but in the end this image only makes it sadder, as if they were struck, hobbled over to the side, just couldn’t go on anymore, and simply lay down. that was yesterday. by today, this particular dog definitely wasn’t just resting or sleeping anymore, because it had obviously been struck and was less a dog anymore than something to clean up from the road. i am sorry to have to share it but i am compelled since i have thought it, and have wondered if there was a loneliness in those last moments of resting, that i could change, transform, or – i suppose oppositely – memorialize.

i come home and wanda yells at me and i am still thinking about the sparkling lightning on either side of the plane. still wondering how to assimilate the flashing insights of barb macleod:

so why is takeoff so awful? Is it simply the acceleration (it's very sensual...I love it!!) or is it the commitment, the no-turning-back that it represents? Or are you spitted on images of takeoff disasters--either imagined or historical??

am i taking notes, she wants to know. i am having nightmares or at least vivid dreams. the kind you get after a big meal; big food for thought.

leanne has brought peak-season juicy tomatoes home again and i can smell dinner, nearly done.

things regenerate, transform, i guess or i hope.

freeway down

i went to otivo the other day to pick up leanne and the navarro grape juices, and the freeway was all the way down. it nearly made me weep – for a reason i do not know! at any rate, that last post was just so horrendous i felt i had to try to perk up the page…

it is

it is
the close of another month and i notice my calendar has already switched over to june without so much as my being aware of it. i endured a passing bout of nausea which could have been yesterday’s enchiladas, coupled with a desire to swill two pints for lunch which could have been brought about by the heat and hal’s visit, compounded by the rest of the ‘down turn’ the ultimate turndown service gone awry, and then quadrupled but then soothed by the distance between and the proximity of me and leanne.
she said it was spontaneous and she wanted to be that way and take me to the beach but there where the sun was casting loose waves still quivering long, wide, and gallantly through the normal place of the fog, we wrestled a little bit.

in the meantime, it is still about 120 degrees outside and way too hot to sleep inside. my head full of fire.

i crave withdrawl and decide to smoke again. the packs cost four dollars now; when did that happen? the plane leaves in less than three weeks; i cannot master the sinking feeling.

so instead, i clear the office and walgreens, 200 dollars in debit thank you botched cobra and blue shield, and the requisite valium. and smoking? yeah it’s so cool and so becoming the habit (heh); but it just makes me sick.
“child, you must protect yourself, you can protect yourself, and i’ll show you how with fire.” k.bush


voyager ended last night; the harry kim episode. how like life. i wonder concerned. harry said to janeway, ‘that man you were going to marry? if you could have just taken a pill to have gotten over him, would you have done that’?
i told dr mulder she was my captain janeway.


it’s a wonder what a little sleep can do, occasionally. friday night to saturday i barely slept at all; during the day on saturday i struggled in complete aggravation and sometimes half-sleep because when the neighbors weren’t around, the new puppy baxter was squealing incessantly. which was, however, not as bad as when the neighbors were around, and ‘talking’ at eachother from across the house, walking with hard shoes on the hard wood, constantly disciplining little baxter “NOo.” NOOo.” “NO.” very penetrating.
i awoke in the morning at around six having slept with only a few awakenings – once when the neighbors came in past midnight and sounded like they were jogging up and down the hardwood floor hallway, and of course ‘talking’ at eachother from across the house; once to notice the clock in a really odd place and my body careened in and out of twisted bedsheets.
finally in the morning i awoke to another song in what must have been a good deep dream. hmmmmm…
leanne comes back from cleveland tomorrow. it’s seven pm and still quite light and the birds are still singing in the trees. the fog is rolling back in again, protecting us.
bloopers always cheer me up; i’m going to go watch bloopers.

ridiculous kites

fading moon; only recently the circle formed a complete and smooth whole; now, a darkness descends over the upper-right corner where the bright face is cut off. no longer a perfect circle, the edges along the broken side soften a bit, as if to lessen the missing blow.
the heat waves were record-setting, as they always are, but at last darkness and some mist comes to cool the fiery sky. the air cuts little paths through the room to me and the moon shows itself undergoing a defeat it seems clearly only it can bear, and mist advances to darken its face; advancing and receding.  i think of the grass, how i love that grass, the most recent thing i have loved, under the ridiculous kites.