you cried all day when you weren’t feeding or – briefly – sleeping.  leanne was sick, asleep, under covers, nauseous. i tried to take care of you and wore so thin.
is there something in the mother’s milk?  did we choose the wrong name for you?  disturbing thoughts once again careen.    i was unfair?

it’s so hard.

this evening, total lunar eclipse.  leanne sweetly made moon cakes to honor lucy’s third moon and first eclipse; after viewing the moon, lucy is in a sweet moment in the baby bjorn against leanne’s chest on the couch; and in the very next instant she wakes up startled and cries.  her cries hurt.
i was depressed when i realized we couldn’t just waltz over to the east bay to see the moon as invited by annika; i was also depressed when it was five pm and i felt glad the day would be over (lucy would go to sleep) in three hours (at eight).