Category Archives for postpartum

“something in the mother’s milk”

“something in the mother’s milk”

leanne said:

i don’t like the “it’s what the mother ate” theory since newborns have really immature digestive systems and, for us anyways, it doesn’t seem like moya’s diet or any of the remedies helped beyond a placebo effect on us (“she seems better now”). and there are plenty of things to blame on mom!

i’m not convinced cutting things out of moya’s diet does/did anything except add another thing for me and moya to track/manage — moya’s on a no-wheat diet right now anyways to see if there’s any change in lucy or moya

we gave lucy gripewater, cocyntal, mylicon drops and i thought that lucy had painful gas no matter what remedy we gave her and no matter what moya ate — bland diet or not.

it’s always the good yummy stuff that some babies are sensitive to — wheat, dairy, garlic, onions, chocolate, citrus! not like anyone says “don’t eat the hormone and antibiotic infused beef from a cow that ate pesticide sprayed corn”

now with lucy at 7 weeks still gassy — she’s less freaked out about it, she doesn’t cry/scream everytime she has gas — and this morning she was working out some big noisy farts that probably woke the neighbors. she was grunting and squealing a bit through it all for a couple hours but she wasn’t crying.

for lucy – the pacifier helps her stop crying sometimes and that stops gas production since crying (specifically the air intake with breathing) can cause gas.

and everyone’s different! we visited a friend this weekend who said she just always helped her son deal with the gas and didn’t bother with her diet or remedies.

one thing that does seem to help sometimes is to warm a blanket or cloth diaper in the microwave for 1 minute and put it on lucy’s belly — helped her, at least, feel better until the blanket cooled.

at night not every night but again last night, i wake up for feedings totally bathed in sweat – and during the feedings i have to keep a liter-full of water by the rocker, and i consume this or more at night and replenish it during the day. then, by the time i go back to bed, my clothes are wet and i lie down and am completely freezing and start shivering uncontrollably! less sympathetic friends say “oh i hope you’re not starting menopause on top of it all!”

i was at our dermatologist’s office today sitting while leanne had an appointment and while i fed lucy and felt water leaching from my skin and body, i noticed a handout that extolled the newly-FDA-approved virtues of BOTOX for sweating.

lucy is a fussy baby now. she is crying most of the day today.

“they say it gets better”

lucy is six weeks old today. they say it gets better at six weeks. yesterday she smiled, it seemed, non gassy – so it seemed like a good morning but the afternoon and evening were screaming. her screaming is so loud it gives me a headache which hurts. we might have overstimulated her.

i’ve been mourning myself – thinking today that i didn’t feel through inventing myself – and now inventing myself feels like past tense. now, the important person to invent herself is lucy. but i still want to study ___ or explore ___. i tried to explore it with leanne this morning but we just wound up talking about finding temporary daycare or leanne staying at home taking care of lucy or lucy in the office at otivo — somehow not about me. leanne feels bad when i say i didn’t get to explore as i needed.
or is the ‘reinvention’ or ‘invention’ now to invent myself as a ‘mother’? is that the only important role going forward?

ellen

ellen

> So what are your views on motherhood and parenting now that you have a
> couple of weeks under your belt?

the question has stunned me. for late night/early morning (what’s the difference?) feedings, i sometimes read ‘a life’s work’ by rachel cusk. i like the writing because she writes quite frankly on being shocked by this new life; by being afraid of the loss of the old; yet feeling guilty because the little one is more important now after all. i like the story on ‘colic’. i have no idea what that really means and if lucy ‘has colic’ – but she cries much and at random parts of the day. we rather think it’s gas or currently, she has the cold i had – and it is heartbreaking her cries; i wonder if i could sing more pretty, or were stronger enough to hold her correctly, would i be more forgiven?

i have never felt so old, so weak, so unstrong before! i never felt like age had anything to do with me and now suddenly it frightens me and i do the ‘when she is sixteen, i’ll be…’ game, and fear my ability to provide. to be A Good Mother. i am just fortunate lucy has two mothers.

i just read this passage about salmon:

By the time she has finished building nests, releasing all of her eggs and protecting them, she is weak and scratched and scraped by her efforts.  Her life's journey is done, as is that of the primary male she mated with, and they both settle in at the edge of the stream to die.  The bodies of these majestic fish are then carried off by forest animals who feast on them, or they decompose in the stream and contribute to the nutrient cycle of the stream.  The journey of those salmon has ended in the act that will carry on their species.

— jessica prentice

it makes me feel deeply sad but in awe of nature.

> And how is your body feeling? You never
> did tell me anything about your labor experience.

my water broke on the friday night; we went into the hospital sunday afternoon – almost buying two days at home. i couldn’t get labor to restart and sustain so i didn’t avoid the pitocin – though by the time they finally admitted me (waited four hours in a room while they dealt with multiple surprise breaches or something) i was regularly contracting painfully every two minutes – for one minute – with no break in between – which was not what i expected! – and which sorta reminds me of breastfeeding at present! – and hadn’t slept properly for two days – nor since! – and so nor did i avoid the epidural, but it wasn’t the ‘gateway drug to the cesarian’ or Totally Bad Thing that i had feared. i was told i could get a milder dose and i opted for that, being horribly claustrophobic and afraid about being paralyzed – and was pleased i could lie on my side and could move my legs (couldn’t feel them, but could move them). i trembled and shook uncontrollably. they turned off the lights and said ‘you’re at 4cm; it’ll take forever now, sleep, we’ll see you tomorrow.’ two hours later, i had felt the funky pressure and asked about it. once they agreed to examine me i was suddenly fully dilated and lucy was bouncing at the door! i pushed for a halfhour or so and that was that. i had a nasty tear. unpleasant but it seems to be mostly mended now.

yesterday, someone asked me if i threw up during labor and i confidently answered ‘no’ — leanne finds it quite funny that i forgot all about all that.