ellen

> So what are your views on motherhood and parenting now that you have a
> couple of weeks under your belt?

the question has stunned me. for late night/early morning (what’s the difference?) feedings, i sometimes read ‘a life’s work’ by rachel cusk. i like the writing because she writes quite frankly on being shocked by this new life; by being afraid of the loss of the old; yet feeling guilty because the little one is more important now after all. i like the story on ‘colic’. i have no idea what that really means and if lucy ‘has colic’ – but she cries much and at random parts of the day. we rather think it’s gas or currently, she has the cold i had – and it is heartbreaking her cries; i wonder if i could sing more pretty, or were stronger enough to hold her correctly, would i be more forgiven?

i have never felt so old, so weak, so unstrong before! i never felt like age had anything to do with me and now suddenly it frightens me and i do the ‘when she is sixteen, i’ll be…’ game, and fear my ability to provide. to be A Good Mother. i am just fortunate lucy has two mothers.

i just read this passage about salmon:

By the time she has finished building nests, releasing all of her eggs and protecting them, she is weak and scratched and scraped by her efforts.  Her life's journey is done, as is that of the primary male she mated with, and they both settle in at the edge of the stream to die.  The bodies of these majestic fish are then carried off by forest animals who feast on them, or they decompose in the stream and contribute to the nutrient cycle of the stream.  The journey of those salmon has ended in the act that will carry on their species.

— jessica prentice

it makes me feel deeply sad but in awe of nature.

> And how is your body feeling? You never
> did tell me anything about your labor experience.

my water broke on the friday night; we went into the hospital sunday afternoon – almost buying two days at home. i couldn’t get labor to restart and sustain so i didn’t avoid the pitocin – though by the time they finally admitted me (waited four hours in a room while they dealt with multiple surprise breaches or something) i was regularly contracting painfully every two minutes – for one minute – with no break in between – which was not what i expected! – and which sorta reminds me of breastfeeding at present! – and hadn’t slept properly for two days – nor since! – and so nor did i avoid the epidural, but it wasn’t the ‘gateway drug to the cesarian’ or Totally Bad Thing that i had feared. i was told i could get a milder dose and i opted for that, being horribly claustrophobic and afraid about being paralyzed – and was pleased i could lie on my side and could move my legs (couldn’t feel them, but could move them). i trembled and shook uncontrollably. they turned off the lights and said ‘you’re at 4cm; it’ll take forever now, sleep, we’ll see you tomorrow.’ two hours later, i had felt the funky pressure and asked about it. once they agreed to examine me i was suddenly fully dilated and lucy was bouncing at the door! i pushed for a halfhour or so and that was that. i had a nasty tear. unpleasant but it seems to be mostly mended now.

yesterday, someone asked me if i threw up during labor and i confidently answered ‘no’ — leanne finds it quite funny that i forgot all about all that.