unfit

doing the laundry while lucy sleeps upstairs unattended, i start to strike bargains in my head before i forget that i cannot do so. let me swap the job of mother for the laundry! but i am the only person in the world who can fulfill the role of biological mother for lucy. there is no turning in the job title. though i am lucky i have leanne who is also a mother – most people only have one – and would be aghast to think that lucy would someday know that i had considered myself unworthy enough to turn in the job title.

i’m terrified that i feel this way that i’m somehow unfit or unwanting to be a good mother – terrified that it is true and that lucy will know. when i think she looks at me and cries or i can’t comfort her as well as others, and dr swan says ‘that’s because she feels safe with you’ – i buy the line to make me feel better but later feel silly because it was just a line she probably uses often.

i want lucy to grow up with more self-esteem and i see that in my mind’s eye, yet i also thought she’d be a calm baby so i obviously don’t know. i want her to be confident in the world and am scared i won’t be around to see it.

lucy falls asleep only with formula.