it is

it is
the close of another month and i notice my calendar has already switched over to june without so much as my being aware of it. i endured a passing bout of nausea which could have been yesterday’s enchiladas, coupled with a desire to swill two pints for lunch which could have been brought about by the heat and hal’s visit, compounded by the rest of the ‘down turn’ the ultimate turndown service gone awry, and then quadrupled but then soothed by the distance between and the proximity of me and leanne.
she said it was spontaneous and she wanted to be that way and take me to the beach but there where the sun was casting loose waves still quivering long, wide, and gallantly through the normal place of the fog, we wrestled a little bit.

in the meantime, it is still about 120 degrees outside and way too hot to sleep inside. my head full of fire.

i crave withdrawl and decide to smoke again. the packs cost four dollars now; when did that happen? the plane leaves in less than three weeks; i cannot master the sinking feeling.

so instead, i clear the office and walgreens, 200 dollars in debit thank you botched cobra and blue shield, and the requisite valium. and smoking? yeah it’s so cool and so becoming the habit (heh); but it just makes me sick.
“child, you must protect yourself, you can protect yourself, and i’ll show you how with fire.” k.bush


voyager ended last night; the harry kim episode. how like life. i wonder concerned. harry said to janeway, ‘that man you were going to marry? if you could have just taken a pill to have gotten over him, would you have done that’?
i told dr mulder she was my captain janeway.


it’s a wonder what a little sleep can do, occasionally. friday night to saturday i barely slept at all; during the day on saturday i struggled in complete aggravation and sometimes half-sleep because when the neighbors weren’t around, the new puppy baxter was squealing incessantly. which was, however, not as bad as when the neighbors were around, and ‘talking’ at eachother from across the house, walking with hard shoes on the hard wood, constantly disciplining little baxter “NOo.” NOOo.” “NO.” very penetrating.
i awoke in the morning at around six having slept with only a few awakenings – once when the neighbors came in past midnight and sounded like they were jogging up and down the hardwood floor hallway, and of course ‘talking’ at eachother from across the house; once to notice the clock in a really odd place and my body careened in and out of twisted bedsheets.
finally in the morning i awoke to another song in what must have been a good deep dream. hmmmmm…
leanne comes back from cleveland tomorrow. it’s seven pm and still quite light and the birds are still singing in the trees. the fog is rolling back in again, protecting us.
bloopers always cheer me up; i’m going to go watch bloopers.