to sleep, perchance

thursday night december 2, after my second day back at work, we started feeding you at eight-thirty pm for your evening meal, and you drifted easily to sleep – as you do these days – at nine.

you had been reliably waking between 3:30 and 4:30 for an early feeding.  my alarm was set to go off at six-thirty.  i checked the clock at five-thirty — you were still sleeping!  since i had gotten to sleep by ten at the latest that night, tired from working again, i got at least seven hours of sleep!  solid!  i didn’t really sleep after five-thirty; got up at six-fifteen and you were still sleeping.  showered and made breakfast, and heard you stirring at 6:45!

so my friday morning began with enough sleep for the first time in eons!  at 6:45 you were starving, your diaper and pajamas were a mess of a diaper with pee and poo that had leaked through, i had to give you a bath, and feed you for nearly an hour, but that was  amazing that you slept for ten hours and went without eating that long!

but now i’m tired again after staying up ‘late’ (11p) for jane siberry and getting up at night…

that “was” hard

i can almost look back in hindsight and say ‘yes, that was really hard; really really really hard’  –  i can almost use ‘was’ and look back upon it.  never during the darkness do i think i am in a progression and i will progress out of it.  but that was really hard.

the enormity

lucy has been a dream lately but mama moya’s still sometimes having a hard time.  i’m supposed to mention to my doctor, if she says anything about ‘moods rubbing off on babies’ again, that i am my worst critic and that it really doesn’t help that i can get so critical of myself.
in vacaville last week, while roofing was starting here, grandma and grandpa really seemed to enjoy lucy being around.  leanne just walked by saying ‘you’re so fun lucy’ as lucy swings close by.  we are now able to help her nap during the day and that seems to help her feel better, along with feeding lots and occasional gas medicine.  though she’s starting to fuss just slightly and i still worry about her crying: am i not taking care of her? is she hurting? will it disturb people in public? and sleeping – when i don’t sleep for long enough my mood plummets.
after one such bad night of sleep in vacaville, when she was sleeping in the car i just continued driving and went past the prison.  i then ran off with quite a dark set of feelings —  metaphorically, of course.  but lucy napped and it was good to see the big sky.
i’m told it speaks to the hugeness of responsibility i feel and that i should let go of the feeling that i am really wrong for this – that i should never have had a child.  that those feelings are normal due to the enormity of the responsibility.