marlena wrote some sage words:

healing will go along, and now that you know you are okay 
you can relax. and enjoy. and whenever a scare like this 
comes up, afterwards everything seems better, more worthy 
of appreciation. okay, you have a scar, and each day we live 
we get another scar here and there and everywhere, but 
well, i'd like to think they just add character. 
or at least fade.

good things to keep in mind. perhaps these can temper my nether-feelings, that dull attentionlessness and yet beauty of healing…


i put many of the leftovers and leftover ingredients together to make an uber-leftover meal tonight and i think marlena spieler would be proud. lovely marlena and alan graced us wednesday night with their presence, various fresh herbs and vegetables, and a fabulous dinner. we were thrilled when we were treated to a repeat performance again last night, and david and blake came to round out the rowdy crowd.

i can’t even begin to recount the menus, but the ingredients included chickpeas, rocket (say that with a british accent), zucchini and eggplant, tomatoes and garlic and pasta and cream, dainty pink turnips, frilly dill and chervil, pomegranates and persimmons with baby lettuces, flat-leaf parsely (my secret unsung love), potatoes and cumin, cumin, cumin, garlic, goat and sheep and cow’s cheeses including boursin, drunken goat, cave-aged gruyere, a wonderfully mild feta (bulgarian?), wines and sparkling waters, cumin and garlic, broken bread, friends and stories, newfound and old, and and and and and …

top it off in the morning with peets coffee and croissants from citizen cake, and we’re feeling on top of the world, special, lucky, warm and well-fed.


slaughter begets slaughter. we kill to eat so we can eat to live. “and the following springs are silent of robin song.”
the recipe for manifest destiny: crush bones of animals of all kinds together into heaps of crazy powder, repurpose to feed and scatter back into the food chain. but — in the process — something goes — terribly — wrong. enter a new kind of killing; every single killing at once new and ageless. holes poke quickly into the brain. live cattle feed upon dead cattle. might the live cattle be feeding upon the crazy holes? not in texas, my god — there will be no bad cattle in texas. the live cattle will be be sent off to the slaughter. finally it is clear, cattle bred for slaughter finally merely bred for slaughter.

did i order this? darwin do you think i should understand? outside, the cycle of winter returns and i think of picking the dead flowers off the ground.