Tag Archives for breasts

voicemail from dr grissom

voicemail from dr grissom

my biopsy is in exactly a week, and i called and left several questions for dr grissom today on her voicemail. she called just a little bit later with all the answers i asked for — it’s all on voicemail:

  • i gave you the DCIS chapter because you never know -- there's that 10% chance that it could be, and i always think it's good to be prepared, and then it won't happen!
  • the calcifications very rarely disappear -- i've never seen them disappear actually, although it's talked about in literature
  • biopsy should not affect your mammogram in the future. sometimes you'll have a little scar tissue for awhile, but it goes away, and they can pretty well see everything again
  • you don't really need to prepare your skin
  • sports bra is pretty good, but get one that's a little loose. if possible, something that fastens in the front is easier, and just gives you a little support
  • i don't know exactly where there going to put the needles until they get there and they get it in, so i don't know where i'll put the incision exactly until we get there
  • i will call you with the results and you can tell me on the day of surgery how to get a hold of you. usually you get them in two working days, so if you're having it on friday, usually you get it on the tuesday afterwards; although pathology has been very slow -- i've had some results not come out till friday this week
  • on the day of biopsy, you're there for about four hours and you're sitting around probably for about three, so bring a book - both of you!

(yes, i left off the question about the sushi and the tissue bank – and the cancer and the breastfeeding, feeling both a little premature!).

then, dr. grissom said she’d talk to me next week and if there was any problem or more questions till then just to let her know. it’s really great to have such a responsive surgeon. leaving that list of messages on her voicemail i felt a bit silly and sheepish, but her message, which addressed all the questions, made me feel not foolish at all. that’s awesome.

i saw a little note by leanne’s side of the bed this morning to get little bendy straws for me — “so that i can get my liquids”! it’s a little odd to be expected to be an invalid!

it’s been the most decorated valentine’s day i can remember. we received valentines from everyone from my parents to delancy street movers! die familie enders sent along a lovey hand-made valentine. and leanne– leanne got me the spicy dark chocolates i craved from donnelly in santa cruz. in fact, she requested them from richard directly! jane siberry wrote with global wishes of healing and light; then there was the 50th anniversary gala for del and phyllis last night – a sweet movie and a drink afterwards with sylvia and karin. all-in-all, a great week, even if leanne and eve were looking at me as if i’m about to be devastated. i feel we’re in great hands; the world itself should be so lucky — but is left this week to rely upon duct tape and plastic.

leanne just walked in with a package decorated in glitter that says: “healing beauty for moya’s left breast”!!!

to babble or not babble

to babble or not to babble

rudy says he thinks a breast scar would look sexy!

i’ve been thinking a lot about leanne’s comments. for the record, i don’t think this is *not* a big deal. but it doesn’t seem as much in my character to worry about the things that *are* happening. seems i’m much more comfortable dwelling upon all those things that aren’t happening but that might happen given any set of bizarre, tragic, and/or esoteric circumstances. just visit me before i fly to know this. or ask my mom and dad about my sheer terror over the toaster those nights in sacramento. just like ruth reichl, which i might say with just a hint of pride, i sometimes panic before the bay bridge and need to visualize atlas holding it up just to cross it. but when it all comes down to it and i finally get on that bloody plane, i tend to be quite calm (ok… so there’s valium to blame too).

so i’m not as anxious as i was – in particular – in the long days after i got that first letter last july. the letter was so naggingly vague, and made clear that i could do absolutely nothing until i scored the next appointment for a mammogram. i had no idea what they noticed going on in my breasts, hanging like two dark and mysterious orbs. i feared it was something really bad.

but now, it’s like light shining into my left breast. i feel an idea of what might be going on inside, and have an appointment to find out for certain. and i am promised a brand not unlike valium for a ‘monitored’ anesthesia. i have met the surgeon and she has looked directly in my eyes. i feel like she’s seen every kind of thing moving into this gigantic and growing circle, this non-exclusive club of people to whom calcifications and biopsy have happened. the more i talk about it, the more women say “me too” or “my friend so-and-so” — nobody DOESN’T seem to know someone with this. i’m not alone. and there’s eve, who’s water glass i must have drunk out of. and there’s leanne, taking notes on the whole thing. so there’s company.

also, and this might sound strange, but i like the attention. a biopsy – as validation (?!). and i feel taken care of.

or at least terribly common.

so i realize these might be illusions just the same, but they’re a better reality than i could otherwise dream up.

now that i’ve made the flight analogy, i’ve been lost combing through my old posts and my babbling capacity for psychofear, but again, about those things that aren’t happening (yet). and yet, yet i do distinctly remember walking up a hill in sf in june or in august 2001, looking at the skyline, and being terrorized by the hallucination of a plane crashing into it.

and what am i doing up so early on a Sunday!

thoughts from leanne

thoughts from leanne

a few thoughts from leanne who loves moya and her breasts but not just for her breasts :)

i get anxious and sad and nervous and fearful about *s-u-r-g-e-r-y* (such an ominous word though it seems like it’ll be such a minor event) for biopsy and anxious about the results and glad that there’s something being done to better define the calcifications. isn’t it ironic that they’re called “calcifications” and the thing my bones lack are enough calcium and here moya has extra calcifications. okay so calcium for bones isn’t the same as calcifications.

i hear from and talk with all these people who think it’s not that big of a deal to have your breast sliced into in two places and it’s oh-so-common and happens all the time and you go back to work the next day and … well … never happened to me before so it feels oh-so-uncommon to me and i think it’s a big deal. i feel like i’m having some overly dramatic emotional reaction. i’m struck by something to do with loss. perhaps the loss of a few grams of body tissue? or the loss of certainty of health (not that certainty really exists)? that we’re healthy until proven otherwise.

i’m also grossed out by the description in dr susan love’s breast book of making an incision and digging through tissue to get the calcifications out and all those stitches (and, oy, the picture of pulling tissue out makes me nauseous — and i don’t need any more nausea these days).

i know the anxiety is not at all rational and logical and doesn’t take into account the facts and information about the probable results of the biopsy — that dr grissom is extremely talented and experienced; and that it’s fabulous these are found early and can be removed instead of waiting for lumps and bumps; and it happens to 20% of gals; and “they” (the experts) know a lot about what to do even with uncertainty about what to do; and, being a stats geek, i know that 90% benign is really superduper high odds, and, anyways, i get weepy over the thought of a surgeon slicing pieces out of moya.