Category Archives for art

saturn

for the past
couple of nights i slept well again for the first time in recorded memory – without waking up at three or four in the morning. we’re ramping up to the vacation and for me to the planes. friday was bad, was the angry day in the whole world, was suicide bombs, murdering princes, fighting at cha cha cha, boiling over, paranoia, fear, hurt, on three hours sleep from the sad thursday evening.
i would like to be able to channel the frightening passage of dark plane images right on by into a peaceful place, and i’m trying to gather my wits about me to do this. to not feel like everything’s an omen, and a bad one at that. to not dwell in the awful areas.
because i really look forward to the markets of provence.
rudy, i think of touching the side of the plane while embarking most every day now; i watched blake long and far down into the doorway towards burbank from oakland yesterday, and wondered if she was touching the door. i visited amigoingdown.com and learned that are chances are one in about a billion.
but it’s not the normal that i fear. this is all about the freak sad shocking thing. the overwhelming need to make sure my family knows i love them, to write my will, and to apologize in advance.
the image of the woman stranded by the roadway visits me again and i try to explain it to leanne but i don’t understand it myself and i wish i did and i certainly wish she did. the tire is flat. she had her best dress on. it is starting to rain. the colors are running.
i decided it’s time to get a tattoo or maybe two. maybe a cow; maybe certainly a cow. and saturn; oh saturn.
the giant foghorn at four in the morning. okay dammit; so if it is an omen, let it be an omen i love. i love the fog.

it is

it is
the close of another month and i notice my calendar has already switched over to june without so much as my being aware of it. i endured a passing bout of nausea which could have been yesterday’s enchiladas, coupled with a desire to swill two pints for lunch which could have been brought about by the heat and hal’s visit, compounded by the rest of the ‘down turn’ the ultimate turndown service gone awry, and then quadrupled but then soothed by the distance between and the proximity of me and leanne.
she said it was spontaneous and she wanted to be that way and take me to the beach but there where the sun was casting loose waves still quivering long, wide, and gallantly through the normal place of the fog, we wrestled a little bit.

in the meantime, it is still about 120 degrees outside and way too hot to sleep inside. my head full of fire.

i crave withdrawl and decide to smoke again. the packs cost four dollars now; when did that happen? the plane leaves in less than three weeks; i cannot master the sinking feeling.

so instead, i clear the office and walgreens, 200 dollars in debit thank you botched cobra and blue shield, and the requisite valium. and smoking? yeah it’s so cool and so becoming the habit (heh); but it just makes me sick.
“child, you must protect yourself, you can protect yourself, and i’ll show you how with fire.” k.bush

voyager

voyager ended last night; the harry kim episode. how like life. i wonder concerned. harry said to janeway, ‘that man you were going to marry? if you could have just taken a pill to have gotten over him, would you have done that’?
i told dr mulder she was my captain janeway.