i can almost look back in hindsight and say ‘yes, that was really hard; really really really hard’  –  i can almost use ‘was’ and look back upon it.  never during the darkness do i think i am in a progression and i will progress out of it.  but that was really hard.

lucy has been a dream lately but mama moya’s still sometimes having a hard time.  i’m supposed to mention to my doctor, if she says anything about ‘moods rubbing off on babies’ again, that i am my worst critic and that it really doesn’t help that i can get so critical of myself.
in vacaville last week, while roofing was starting here, grandma and grandpa really seemed to enjoy lucy being around.  leanne just walked by saying ‘you’re so fun lucy’ as lucy swings close by.  we are now able to help her nap during the day and that seems to help her feel better, along with feeding lots and occasional gas medicine.  though she’s starting to fuss just slightly and i still worry about her crying: am i not taking care of her? is she hurting? will it disturb people in public? and sleeping – when i don’t sleep for long enough my mood plummets.
after one such bad night of sleep in vacaville, when she was sleeping in the car i just continued driving and went past the prison.  i then ran off with quite a dark set of feelings —  metaphorically, of course.  but lucy napped and it was good to see the big sky.
i’m told it speaks to the hugeness of responsibility i feel and that i should let go of the feeling that i am really wrong for this – that i should never have had a child.  that those feelings are normal due to the enormity of the responsibility.