just after six a.m. and no sign of the sun yet. it doesn’t come these days till seven thirty or so but it’s getting earlier. it used to be pitch-dark by five as well but that’s getting later too. i’m so sensitive to the dark and the light now; i used to like the winter early dark but now i am cheered when it is five in the evening and still the light can be traced.
i don’t think lucy slipped back to sleep yet after waking at five and feeding/diaper, but she sighs and doesn’t protest in her bassinet. i used to feel comforted when i was in my bed and could hear noises of people up in the house. i felt unalone when my parents had friends over in the evenings in millbrae and i would be in bed and would hear them playing cards and socializing. i still feel cozy when others are up first in the morning, preparing the breakfast and the day. but now it is my job to be up in the morning or throughout the night. it feels a bit lonely. not even the sun is up when i am up.
our family’s irish heritage is a source of, i believe, unspoken pride in our family. it makes us worldly somehow or does it just make us able to leave at any given moment? i hope to raise lucy with an awareness of her irish heritage but at the same time, it is sad it is slipping away, removed. mom was directly from there so i was _almost_ from there; lucy will i hope get to know being as close to _from there_ as she can; then there are the scandinavians from leanne; furthermore the unknown italians from biology.