belly ache

‘be careful how you touch her, for she’ll awaken
and sleep’s the only freedom that she knows

my stomache hurts like there are bugs in it the size of undigested fois gras or maybe several centimeter-sized fibroid tumors are in the muscle wall of my uterus pushing up against my bowels. my precious, twisted organs can’t lie still tonight.

babbler ;  there are no secrets now.

no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no! i’m flying again! next weekend!…………………. i dreamt last night of taking valium, on time… this is me… humbled

the red tent

it’s been awhile since i couldn’t sleep like this.
i am about to finish _the red tent_ that mom gave me to read on the flights and on the trip but i have waited to devour, nearly in entirety upon a day or two, after my return. i am bleeding. the book is about bleeding in a firmly female way. i can’t see the moon for the fog, but i have a feeling it won’t be long before orion approaches.
thinking of flying again. maybe i’ll book a flight for leanne and i to san diego to visit mona and dwayne and jesse. maybe i’ll sleep soon.
i need to go finish that book …


this is definitely a different part of the world from the one i woke up in yesterday. but i guess ‘woke up’ is relative at this point, and i must have dozed through several timeframes on the plane yesterday – all just little ten-minute naps with the same mp3s as accompaniment – all just inbetween interruptions.

i should be thrilled with myself that i flew, twice, and am now home again safely. that i vacationed in london, paris, and provence.
thrilled is a word i guess i rarely use on myself.

the last note was not labelled with my london time but rather the time i returned to, am now up awake in. it was getting on nine PM at that time, and would have still been light – for another hour – were it not for the thunder. thunder darkened more than the sky. we lit fireworks and the sparklers stayed lit for kesin, but i decided to get drenched in the downpour. i had been anxious earlier on the metro about the flight.
it’s funny. it doesn’t look like provence, paris, or even london are so much further polewise on the map…

after mostly sleeping though nights, notwithstanding children screaming, i was awake at fourthirty a.m. then in london yesterday, but it’s not nearly the same kind of fourthirty a.m. – here, the brightest traces are the streetlights and the moon through the foggy sky, but yesterday the sun was nearly rising and the sky was a flat white, and it was as if i was practicing again for my normal insomnia of a different time frame. valium usually bestowed me with a warm glow for a few days post, and helped me sleep soundly for days. even if i was sound asleep by seven last night, we mastered fourteen hours a night for our first couple of nights in europe. this other direction has always seemed harder for me. maybe i’m just permanently fixed in european time, and there as a late sleeper…

leanne sleeps soundly in the bedroom.