simply spike

simply spike

sleep brought a semblance of peace and spike curled up next to us all night long which felt reassuring since the night before he hadn’t. but he hasn’t eaten a thing since we force-fed him 1cc of pureed tuna water yesterday morning. he walks around as if he is simply spike but he is clearly in such pain.

leanne is playing finlandia on the piano.

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thirty days

thirty days

yesterday, leanne took spike to the vet because his hair stank and it seemed to be coming from his mouth. he had also stopped eating. he had been drooling for a couple of weeks — but this was hardly anything odd. (temperamental) lovebug that he is, he always drools when you knead his neck and he sort of burrows in under your chin or high up on your sleeve. just last week after i had sat with him outside for awhile, rubbing his purring neck and behind his ears, him latched onto my coat sleeve, i walked away with a big wet patch on my soft brown faux-suede where he had nuzzled.

leanne was shocked when dr. bloom revealed a tumor the size of half a thumb glued under his tongue. squamous cell carcinoma, what he fears, in such a position in a feline, gives spike only thirty days more, at best. but he doesn’t look so good at all today and we don’t know if it’s the biopsy and the healing from that (his mouth was bleeding when we brought him home last night) and all the medicines or the tumor, the cancer, itself, but he is just tucked low to the ground, nose bowed down, occasionally bobbing his head up and down like he is in pain.

the tumor in his mouth particularly sucks because it only hurts him more to try to feed all the pills, which maybe only make him sick to his stomach, and he is not able to eat at all. we are sleeping at otivo to try to take care… of him.

today, it is thanksgiving and we brought fresh turkey from vacaville to otivo. i put a little under his nose and he went to devour it like he was really really famished. only he could barely even lick the bit of turkey and couldn’t take it into his mouth to bite or eat at all. he walked away, head bowed, looking sick to his stomach. we pureed the turkey in the blender with water and put the bowl next to him. he walked away from it and lowered his nose to the carpet, looking totally defeated.

he is so uncomfortable. he jumps in and out of the litterbox but it’s not clear what he does there. he can’t clean himself, so his fur is rough and smelly. he tries to nuzzle up to us like we are all used to him doing, and he purrs but he clearly can’t make himself comfortable. he can’t eat; he must be terribly hungry. he can’t meow… and that makes it so quiet here.
oh spike! what can we do?

we expect the real results of the biopsy tomorrow or saturday. but he is not lasting thirty days like this. we are worried about him suffering. i so don’t want to lose spike; he is such a part of our plans. he is what we think of when we try to find a place to live. will he be happy? will wanda and spike be able to reunite here? i am so sad i am beside myself that we could lose him so quickly, though that would be better than any long suffering. i am worried for leanne; i so don’t want her to shut down but this is what she does, she holds herself together and doesn’t let go; she went through such pain for so long when nooka had her cancer, usually just keeping it inside, even at the end. i so hope we can pull together through this though i hate to think of him leaving.

pieces of orion

pieces of orion

twothirtyinthemorning and it’s still too hot to sleep, but when i look outside my window, i see orion for the first time this season. i’m supposed to feel a chill whenever orion comes back, yet here it is nearly november and it’s just hot and sweaty. i know this has happened before …

pat benatar

pat benatar

after arguing pointlessly and confusingly with the most unhelpful USAA car insurance agent i have ever had the misfortune to be assigned (“i can tell you right now, there’s no way your deductible will be waived in time even if you aren’t at fault”; “if Ryder’s insured doesn’t accept 100% blame, you’ll have to take them to small claims court to recoup the rental car fees; there’s nothing we will do about it” and additional doom and unfriendliness about how they might never contact their insured, thankyouverymuch for your help), i unexpectedly cheered myself up by taking home a pat benatar cd yesterday. it wasn’t enough to have seen her live (on september 10, 2001, speaking of yesterdays), but two years later as she’s still turning out new cds, i get to still take a new pat benatar cd home. i understand she’s got a ‘real’ new album out with an all new, different sound, however i took home more of the yesterday stuff yesterday: the double-cd/dvd called best shots. on the included dvd, you can see pat and her husband watching the old videos (back when music videos were so revolutionary!) along with you, and commenting about their hair and makeup and corny video stories the whole way through. it really brightened my day —– and i have no idea why. perhaps it’s because, along the lines of everything old is new again, i have a crush on pat benatar, again! maybe crushes on pat benatar make me happy. or probably, it’s the hair.

or maybe it’s because of leanne. she calls and she writes and she sleeps on only one side of the strange bed, as do i… leanne sends me greeting cards when she’s gone and makes silly rhymes. hmm. leanne pat benatar. hmm …

that settles it. leanne is pat benatar. leanne, come home!

driven

driven

my car and i have seen too much, these days. the poor thing was just sitting at the pump, and i had just swiped my card, when a very large ryder truck didn’t clear quite fully around my right front bumper. there was a large crunch, and a steady escape of air from the outside left rear tire of the giant truck as it sat mangled together with my bumper.

i think this is the second bumper mangling and potential new bumper this year for my car, and although it couldn’t have come at a worse time, with work too busy to eat, stretch, or sleep properly, i have some vague hope that the insurance and repair process will work servicably and without too much additional damage.

ironically, i think the new screw is, at least, still in place, though that turn indicator seems much lower and more twisted than it should be. let’s see how it drives to work later today…

driving

driving

today, it was a pigeon that nearly broke my heart. i had just left peet’s headed up california street with a single latte, when i saw an object flopping across the road ahead of me on the busy street. i was in the right lane, a bus was coming around my left side, and cars were stacked up behind me as i slowed while approaching it. its little head looked up and i saw that it was a pigeon with a broken wing. it somehow – miraculously – managed to flop all the way from the center of the road into the middle of my right-hand lane. it just lifted its head and looked up at me as i stopped in front of it. i turned my signal on, and went to the left around it, but the car behind me just carried on straight ahead… i agonized, as it seems i do, about the poor thing. in my mind’s eye, i saw myself stopping the car dead in traffic, getting out and lifting the pigeon out of the road to safety as cars honked and people around me angrily swore in passing. yet i did no such thing. i also transposed the homeless person i just passed, about whom i also did nothing, moments before in front of peet’s, as i was cradling my latte and my bag of groceries.

perhaps i need to stop driving like this. i learned today that the odd patch of blotchy skin on the left side of my neck comes from the sun through the driver’s side window. all this time– all this driving– and the window without UV protection. i’ve driven all my life. my life seems to be showing its age. vegas and back. cross the country. vancouver to mexico. all this time. broken wing…

pumping arnold

pumping arnold

i’m temporarily ignoring my screw saga, having parked my car (in the fogstorm!) last night and taken my – newly pumped – bike today. in the spirit of innuendo, it’s worth noting that we went to see ‘pumping iron’ last night. dapper members of the french media were on the scene at the roxie, filming and interviewing audience goers, and they filmed me paying for my ticket and grumbling about not casting a vote for ‘arnold’ because i value my state too much. i’m sure people all over the world and particularly our french friends are watching me, famous me, today. little do they know about the loose screw…