because, as much as i love the precious bundle of joy that i am holding, this is exactly what i am. don’t be fooled by smile and confidence — or worse, don’t feel bad if you don’t feel it yourself. “they may have it and you not know.”
she’s on a roller coaster or maybe just me.
it seems her sleep is so fragile when she goes to it at night sometimes yet time and again she is a champ till later morning hours; this morning she woke just after five-thirty or so. so i’ve been up since then. a far cry from the 10p, 1a, 4a, 6a, etc etc. yet she was super fussy last night and today; just putting her down to sleep she cried and fell asleep then woke and wept a couple of times. before then she was fussy but leanne was holding her and she laughed a good sustained gut laugh — so i feel bad like i’m the one she cries with; leanne makes her laugh. and confused; i get intense handson time with her. leanne talks about going away. but she says she got my birthday wish come true – overnight new year’s eve in point reyes: a quiet new years, sleeping all day? she wanted to fulfill my unobtainable wishes. can i do these things? i’m a little wobbly and uncertain today. i can’t get work done and be a ‘wage earner’ and take care of her too, can i, can we?
today feels like a truly positive update. if i had asked myself this morning how i felt, i would have still been down, and particularly yesterday afternoon, when coming home from work i wasn’t even able to pull off at the rest area to nap nor decide to make it to the bank on the way back — yet today, by this evening, i do feel one thousand percent better. perhaps this shows just how up and down it goes; perhaps it is a general trend.
today, lucy, you were smiles and happy and energetic and perhaps even laughing. yesterday, you were stressed out and it was rough. i had been up since four – the four a.m. feedings are pretty regular and i don’t mind them so much and sometimes look tenderly upon them – but sometimes can’t get back to sleep afterwards! i lie there and worry that i won’t be able to get back to sleep, which in turn keeps me awake, which is silly, and at the time feels downright crushing.
i have been back to work since last wednesday. that has felt crushing too and confusing and i’m cloudy – and if i can’t get back to sleep after four and the alarm is set to go off at six when it’s still dark and cold cold cold, it is very cold. marc w babysat you yesterday and the two of you were having a frustrated time – when i got in to otivo at close to 2pm you were strung out and upset. but i only needed to hold you for a few minutes and you fell right to sleep for a nap, albeit fitful. poor things both of you.
but today, you had a visit from grandma! she stayed with you all morning while leanne and i both went to work, and when i came in at 2p you were _all_ smiles and she said you were laughing with her and playing all morning, when not napping and eating.
at first, after she left, i thought you’d ignore me and only be fussy from then on, but you perked up again for leanne and me. coincidentally, it was the first time i didn’t put you to sleep on my own just by feeding, singing, and reading goodnight moon. you were still awake, and leanne mentioned that she’d never put you to sleep before and really wanted to, so we handed you off. you fussed for a bit, but then fell into deep sleep.
leanne and i both feel like we miss you when we are not with you now, but we have a work thing scheduled where you go to otivo with her in the morning, i go to palo alto, then come back to nurse you for the afternoon and evening while working at otivo. you can now nap well, now that we know to help you and that you need and want this, and when you have napped well you seem happier throughout the day; you are a good sleeper and when you sleep we have respite in our lives and when you wake we joy to be with you — getting there.
today, it seems like we really love this. i know there will be more downs and i am a bit afraid of them.
yet – when julie was here from santa fe over the weekend, and i mentioned fears and depression, and said i didn’t want to model that for my child, she looked at me and said, ‘i think what you’re modeling is knowing and being honest about who you are’ – that was a nice strong sentiment. i miss having julie close but it is good to remember strong friends even if they are far. i need my strong friends.
thursday night december 2, after my second day back at work, we started feeding you at eight-thirty pm for your evening meal, and you drifted easily to sleep – as you do these days – at nine.
you had been reliably waking between 3:30 and 4:30 for an early feeding. my alarm was set to go off at six-thirty. i checked the clock at five-thirty — you were still sleeping! since i had gotten to sleep by ten at the latest that night, tired from working again, i got at least seven hours of sleep! solid! i didn’t really sleep after five-thirty; got up at six-fifteen and you were still sleeping. showered and made breakfast, and heard you stirring at 6:45!
so my friday morning began with enough sleep for the first time in eons! at 6:45 you were starving, your diaper and pajamas were a mess of a diaper with pee and poo that had leaked through, i had to give you a bath, and feed you for nearly an hour, but that was amazing that you slept for ten hours and went without eating that long!
but now i’m tired again after staying up ‘late’ (11p) for jane siberry and getting up at night…
i can almost look back in hindsight and say ‘yes, that was really hard; really really really hard’ – i can almost use ‘was’ and look back upon it. never during the darkness do i think i am in a progression and i will progress out of it. but that was really hard.
lucy has been a dream lately but mama moya’s still sometimes having a hard time. i’m supposed to mention to my doctor, if she says anything about ‘moods rubbing off on babies’ again, that i am my worst critic and that it really doesn’t help that i can get so critical of myself.
in vacaville last week, while roofing was starting here, grandma and grandpa really seemed to enjoy lucy being around. leanne just walked by saying ‘you’re so fun lucy’ as lucy swings close by. we are now able to help her nap during the day and that seems to help her feel better, along with feeding lots and occasional gas medicine. though she’s starting to fuss just slightly and i still worry about her crying: am i not taking care of her? is she hurting? will it disturb people in public? and sleeping – when i don’t sleep for long enough my mood plummets.
after one such bad night of sleep in vacaville, when she was sleeping in the car i just continued driving and went past the prison. i then ran off with quite a dark set of feelings — metaphorically, of course. but lucy napped and it was good to see the big sky.
i’m told it speaks to the hugeness of responsibility i feel and that i should let go of the feeling that i am really wrong for this – that i should never have had a child. that those feelings are normal due to the enormity of the responsibility.
you cried all day when you weren’t feeding or – briefly – sleeping. leanne was sick, asleep, under covers, nauseous. i tried to take care of you and wore so thin.
is there something in the mother’s milk? did we choose the wrong name for you? disturbing thoughts once again careen. i was unfair?