Author Archives for Moya Watson

to babble or not babble

to babble or not to babble

rudy says he thinks a breast scar would look sexy!

i’ve been thinking a lot about leanne’s comments. for the record, i don’t think this is *not* a big deal. but it doesn’t seem as much in my character to worry about the things that *are* happening. seems i’m much more comfortable dwelling upon all those things that aren’t happening but that might happen given any set of bizarre, tragic, and/or esoteric circumstances. just visit me before i fly to know this. or ask my mom and dad about my sheer terror over the toaster those nights in sacramento. just like ruth reichl, which i might say with just a hint of pride, i sometimes panic before the bay bridge and need to visualize atlas holding it up just to cross it. but when it all comes down to it and i finally get on that bloody plane, i tend to be quite calm (ok… so there’s valium to blame too).

so i’m not as anxious as i was – in particular – in the long days after i got that first letter last july. the letter was so naggingly vague, and made clear that i could do absolutely nothing until i scored the next appointment for a mammogram. i had no idea what they noticed going on in my breasts, hanging like two dark and mysterious orbs. i feared it was something really bad.

but now, it’s like light shining into my left breast. i feel an idea of what might be going on inside, and have an appointment to find out for certain. and i am promised a brand not unlike valium for a ‘monitored’ anesthesia. i have met the surgeon and she has looked directly in my eyes. i feel like she’s seen every kind of thing moving into this gigantic and growing circle, this non-exclusive club of people to whom calcifications and biopsy have happened. the more i talk about it, the more women say “me too” or “my friend so-and-so” — nobody DOESN’T seem to know someone with this. i’m not alone. and there’s eve, who’s water glass i must have drunk out of. and there’s leanne, taking notes on the whole thing. so there’s company.

also, and this might sound strange, but i like the attention. a biopsy – as validation (?!). and i feel taken care of.

or at least terribly common.

so i realize these might be illusions just the same, but they’re a better reality than i could otherwise dream up.

now that i’ve made the flight analogy, i’ve been lost combing through my old posts and my babbling capacity for psychofear, but again, about those things that aren’t happening (yet). and yet, yet i do distinctly remember walking up a hill in sf in june or in august 2001, looking at the skyline, and being terrorized by the hallucination of a plane crashing into it.

and what am i doing up so early on a Sunday!

thoughts from leanne

thoughts from leanne

a few thoughts from leanne who loves moya and her breasts but not just for her breasts :)

i get anxious and sad and nervous and fearful about *s-u-r-g-e-r-y* (such an ominous word though it seems like it’ll be such a minor event) for biopsy and anxious about the results and glad that there’s something being done to better define the calcifications. isn’t it ironic that they’re called “calcifications” and the thing my bones lack are enough calcium and here moya has extra calcifications. okay so calcium for bones isn’t the same as calcifications.

i hear from and talk with all these people who think it’s not that big of a deal to have your breast sliced into in two places and it’s oh-so-common and happens all the time and you go back to work the next day and … well … never happened to me before so it feels oh-so-uncommon to me and i think it’s a big deal. i feel like i’m having some overly dramatic emotional reaction. i’m struck by something to do with loss. perhaps the loss of a few grams of body tissue? or the loss of certainty of health (not that certainty really exists)? that we’re healthy until proven otherwise.

i’m also grossed out by the description in dr susan love’s breast book of making an incision and digging through tissue to get the calcifications out and all those stitches (and, oy, the picture of pulling tissue out makes me nauseous — and i don’t need any more nausea these days).

i know the anxiety is not at all rational and logical and doesn’t take into account the facts and information about the probable results of the biopsy — that dr grissom is extremely talented and experienced; and that it’s fabulous these are found early and can be removed instead of waiting for lumps and bumps; and it happens to 20% of gals; and “they” (the experts) know a lot about what to do even with uncertainty about what to do; and, being a stats geek, i know that 90% benign is really superduper high odds, and, anyways, i get weepy over the thought of a surgeon slicing pieces out of moya.

dr. nima grissom

dr. nima grissom

i went to see the breast surgeon today. it’s great to have the first appointment of the day, when you don’t have to wait and you feel you’re the only one your doctor needs to deal with at all. for nima grissom, that is certainly not the case. she must be one of the busiest surgeons in the world; she must see tons of breasts every day. maybe literally! i understand she is a “diplomate”. i wonder what it’s like to be a breast diplomate.

leanne came with me; we were whisked almost immediately into the exam room by the receptionist who wore surgical gloves (i tried not to let that make me feel infected). for fashion, dr grissom’s office gives you little short halter-top smocks, open in the front of course. i looked like a cross between some bad britney wannabe and a football player. i asked leanne to take notes, and said immediately that i wanted the fashion commentary in the logs.

dr grissom arrived right away and was noticeably better dressed. there was no surgical gown or white smock. there was a comforting thick navy cardigan. it was cold. i was hot. she was direct and yet attentive. i had a quick lie-down on the table, quick breast exam, then i got to say goodbye to the halter top and get back into italian polyester as she addressed what to do about my left breast.

to the point: my calcifications are very small, and she recommended “stereotactic needle-localized biopsy”. here are some of leanne’s notes – in their fairly raw form – about what dr grissom said:

  • calcifications are quite common: 20% of all women
  • of those 20%, 10% are malignant but not necessarily invasive (DCIS)
  • my calcifications are too faint to biopsy with the ‘computer version’ of biopsy
  • stereotactic, open surgical biopsy:
    • do in xray
    • under sedation
    • pinpoint and remove in strips with needle
    • is most accurate
    • normal duct doesn’t have dead cells in center
    • take out piece of tissue to look at
    • littlest chance to miss
    • can’t see or feel – rely on needle placement from xray
    • an xray after will immediately check what was removed to make sure it has the calcifications in it
    • the majority are benign
    • a mammogram thereafter in 1 year might still have calcifications – not a big deal
    • just a little sedation, not general anaesthesia

it strikes me today that i felt like i received a lot of information, in a short time, while feeling listened-to at the same time. that’s an excellent quality: to pay attention while talking. dr grissom expained things in a very attentive way, looking directly at me, being clear and level but with a good sense of humor in spite of my interruptions with awkward jokes. obviously quite experienced yet accessible, happy to answer questions and to plow through my pile of research from the Internet, even writing notes for me on my papers. i hauled out my chart from imaginis.com – link quoted in below entry. she explained that this was the same as the “open surgical biopsy” last on the list at that link. that link definitely does not put this procedure in a good light, yet dr. grissom scoffed at the “golf ball” sized description and “two-inch” incisions. it takes me aback slightly that there will be two incisions (one for each area of calcification), and that there will be about a half-inch “permanent scar” for each, yet contrary to the imaginis document, it will not make future mammograms difficult to read, says she. dr grissom also assured me that there will not be any divets left in my breasts. in additon, she went over the reasons for making incisions as close to the sites as possible. it’s clear she’s done this kind of thing before…

the thing to rule out is this DCIS. ductal carcinoma ‘in situ’. it again makes me feel special to speak latin. i understand that the ‘in situ’ – if that is the case – is the important part about it. the upside is the highest rate of certainty in the results. the additional if ironic upside for me is the sedation. i think it’s better i do these sorts of things under sedation. i tend to faint at the sight of any needle, so i might as well be sleepy already and lying down. i’m only concerned what sorts of babbling i might do under sedation. i hear it can be quite embarassing…

dr. mulder says it’s not surprising dr grissom opted for the needle localization since she’s known for getting quite “to the point” as soon as possible about biopsy. she’s glad dr grissom opted for that course of action. the results will be the most conclusive and convincing.

the date is set for friday, february 21. in advance, dr grissom recommended, like nearly everybody else i’ve ever met to speak about breasts, dr. susan love’s breast book. she says i should read the part about calcifications and DCIS, and skip the others, and she doesn’t even know i’m a hypochondriac. i have lots to learn and understand in the next two weeks. perhaps most understandably, dr grissom’s day is nearly empty next friday, on february 14th — i suppose it’s not everybody’s idea of a good valentine’s date. i would have just as soon done it then, but this sort of biopsy is meant to be no rush, and i have myself booked in the “bw reporting and analysis” class all week next week anyway. i know, i’m the envy of my block with that one.

on the way out, a peculiar lite-rock version of “freebird” was playing on the office radio. as leanne left, she was weeping in advance for the scars in my breasts. i hadn’t really considered that yet. from what i understand, this is the best way to be 100% certain and early, which is the best way to preserve my breasts and me entirely, so i hope she loves them just the same! when i got home from work tonight, dr susan love’s breast book was waiting on the couch.