lucy is six weeks old today. they say it gets better at six weeks. yesterday she smiled, it seemed, non gassy – so it seemed like a good morning but the afternoon and evening were screaming. her screaming is so loud it gives me a headache which hurts. we might have overstimulated her.
i’ve been mourning myself – thinking today that i didn’t feel through inventing myself – and now inventing myself feels like past tense. now, the important person to invent herself is lucy. but i still want to study ___ or explore ___. i tried to explore it with leanne this morning but we just wound up talking about finding temporary daycare or leanne staying at home taking care of lucy or lucy in the office at otivo — somehow not about me. leanne feels bad when i say i didn’t get to explore as i needed.
or is the ‘reinvention’ or ‘invention’ now to invent myself as a ‘mother’? is that the only important role going forward?